I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
