it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
