Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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