Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
