The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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