chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
