I accidentally burped into my bong.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
