i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
