yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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