Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
