if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
