Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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