Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
