she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
