how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
be right there i have to get my cape
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
