so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
