You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
