The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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