Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
