I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
