I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
