I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
