Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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