Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
