Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Operation Purity has been aborted
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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