My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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