Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
