I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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