I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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