He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
