Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
