You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You ate ashes out of my bong
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
