How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
