I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
