I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
