he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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