i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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