I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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