Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
