My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
