it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
