the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
