And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
