Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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