you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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