They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
