you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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