I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
