Cold hands, warm shart.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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