Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize