everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize