So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
