I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
