I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
