my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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