she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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