He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Also, beer. Big fan.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
