a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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