God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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