I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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